What did your father-in-law ask you before the engagement, assuming you ran it by him first?
Chances are, it was something to the effect of, “Are you going to take care of my daughter financially?”
The pressures men face for being the breadwinner are all around us, and they put us in a box of expectations and pressures.
The conversations with some family and friends, the expectations many of us grew up to understand what it meant to be a man, it’s even prevalent in the shows and movies we watch.
Here’s just one example of the countless ways we hide our realities from expectations.
According to the Census Bureau, when wives earn more, their income reports are reduced by an average of 1.5 percentage points. In comparison, husbands’ incomes are overstated by about 2.9 percentage points compared to actual administrative income records.
These findings underscore how societal norms can subtly but significantly influence us, even in contexts like income reporting.
This post aims to share the research behind the marriage of money and masculinity, its impact on some men, and suggestions for couples to move forward as a team.
The Origin of Some Mental Health Challenges
The convergence of gender norms of the past are converging with the workplace norms of today and the future, and men are suffering.
In a 2017 survey of income and marriage views, Pew found that American men tend to adhere to traditional gender views – particularly when it comes to women.
7 out of 10 men and women agreed that a good husband must be capable of providing financially for his family. However, only 1 in 4 men said it’s important for women to be capable of supporting a family financially, and only 2 in 5 women see it the same way.
The world is getting harder for some men who judge their worth as fathers and husbands solely on their financial contributions to their families, particularly as women earn around the same, if not significantly more, in 45% of households.
Husband Guilt
It’s commonly understood that women who are rock stars in their careers often suffer from “Mom Guilt.” They aren’t able to do everything their mothers did for them, and women unfairly feel guilty.
Men who are not the breadwinners suffer from “Husband Guilt.”
Research has found that men are most comfortable when they are contributing 60% of the household income. If they contribute less, they begin to experience anxiety, among other negative emotions.
Men’s feelings should never be ignored. My gender is hardly known for a desire to talk about our problems, which reminds me of these heartbreaking facts in the latest newsletter shared by Richard V. Reeves:
The risk of suicide is 4x higher for boys and young men than for girls and women.
Suicides have risen by 40% among younger men since 2010.
Spouses of husbands cannot just assume their husbands are okay.
Solutions for Husband Guilt
Men and women must redefine what a great husband and father or mother and wife look like. Providing comes in many forms beyond a paycheck: caregiving, domestic labor, and emotional support.
I am not currently the breadwinner in my marriage, which was not the case for much of it.
Have I ever experienced “Husband Guilt?” Modestly and briefly, but I’m blessed.
First, I’ve professionally accomplished goals that leave me satisfied with my career and empower me with confidence.
Second, when deciding to restructure our roles in the home, I turned to research and literature. The first book I read was Equal Partners, written by Dr. Kate Mangino. It was the most important marital book I’ve ever read.
Dr. Mangino was able to strip away the gender norms that often serve as barriers to personal and marital happiness and home efficiency. She’s also a friend, and through continued conversations, I can continue to learn and grow.
Most importantly, my wife and I have never used money as a factor for influence or power in our marriage. Our structure of roles in our marriage to manage money and the home as a team is driven by practicality. We can only do this because I do not feel a sense of guilt for not being the breadwinner.
But I understand many other couples have not felt this way. For many understandable reasons, men still carry Husband Guilt for not being the breadwinner.
What can we do to change things? Just as I have asked my wife how I can support her career ambitions, she reinforces to me how important support beyond a paycheck is to her.
What helped me was how deliberate she was in telling me how I could support her in more ways than just a paycheck. Her positive reinforcement for our partnership at home puts wind in my sails.
Support
I have a wait list of folks interested in my support to help men and couples work through the practical issues in managing money and the home, including issues around husband guilt.
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This post was previously published on Modern Husbands and is republished on Medium.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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 The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex |
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The post The Pain of Husband Guilt appeared first on The Good Men Project.