Figuring out finances can be frustrating.
When you have money problems, you are going to have relationship problems – count on it.
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After communication issues, one of the biggest complaints I hear from couples is about money. Generally, people can talk with greater ease about their dysfunctional relationships, sex, death, and in-laws, easier than they can talk about money.
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When I was growing up money was rarely discussed. It was like a secret and the only concepts I heard were, save, be frugal, don’t trust others who are trying to sell you something, the rich are only rich because they have stepped on others to acquire their wealth, and you can go broke buying deals.
Not exactly a money positive household. Fortunately, there was a counter-balancing force (my mother), though reasonable with money, she saw that it could be used to increase our bank balance. She was into investing and buying property and, at 85, still loves looking at houses and imagining how to improve their value.
In my family, there was this push pull process going on in the background as my parents often worked one, and sometimes two jobs, to support the family. My brother and I never went hungry but we were taught, oh, I forgot this one, “Money doesn’t grow on trees.” To which we responded, “Sure it does, it’s made of paper, isn’t it.” My father was not amused.
My mother wanted to spend and invest, my father wanted to save and . . . save. He rarely bought anything for himself and being very skilled with his hands, fixed and built anything and everything around the house or the car.
“Go out and earn the money,” was his motto. |
I have helped him paint, put up fences, landscape, fixed carburetors, replaced brakes, and the list goes on. He was the ultimate do-it-yourselfer.
At the time I didn’t appreciate all the skills I was learning. It was a chore and I felt like cheap labor and resented the time not being with friends.
The one thing I did appreciate was how he supported me when I wanted to buy something. “Go out and earn the money,” was his motto. He did not say no. Indeed, when I wanted my first ten-speed bicycle, he said he would pay for half. How cool is that? In no time I had saved up my half and bought this chrome-plated beauty.
After my dad’s training, working for others and getting paid seemed easy. With no real expenses, money accumulated quickly. I was a good saver in my early years. Then, I discovered women.
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I am not blaming women for my financial downfall. No, I blame myself for not having the strength to follow what little I knew about money. It was as if I gave up all control and was willing to go against my better judgement in order to, what, look good in their eyes and take care of them financially?
When on my own, I always had money, but after every break-up I was staring at an empty bank account. |
Trying to live up to those old masculine virtues, plus my choice of lifestyle (an actor) was a recipe for financial instability for the first twenty years of my adult life.
When on my own, I always had money, but after every break-up I was staring at an empty bank account. One time I even lost my house that I had totally rebuilt. To this day, whenever I drive by it, I get a little wistful. But instead of getting bitter, I soldiered on (interesting turn of phrase) and re-invented myself and my income.
The first major break in this cycle of dedicated poverty occurred when I finally decided to get married. Marriage can be a sobering experience. I decided that financial stability was the order of the day and that going to university at the age of thirty-seven would be my salvation. Great career move, horrible on the bank balance.
Other than buying a house, getting an education is the quickest way to acquire debt. Man, those numbers add up as I continued from one degree to the next. Sure, I starting working after the third year, as even I could see that going into the red at an accelerated rate was untenable over the long-term.
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Twelve years, hundreds of thousands of dollars in lost wages, and a student loan over one hundred thousand dollars seems daunting. But, it wasn’t at the time. I was making my three thousand dollars a month credit card payments and wasn’t worried – I think. I might have been in denial.
If I thought that there had been conflict with me and my partners earlier in my life, I had no idea how stressful and challenging money issues were going to place on the relationship with the woman who shared those experiences with me.
I knew immediately that my financial position was untenable |
We had been living together for six years when this was happening and returning to a city we both loved. I sold my house and moved 1,500 miles to what I thought was work with a bunch of lawyers and a high paying consulting contract with a friend. Both positions dried up within days of arrival.
That was when the shit hit the fan. I knew immediately that my financial position was untenable and after consulting with some friends, engaged in bankruptcy proceedings.
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Do you think this was stressful on my marriage? Unless you have been through it you have no idea. It is a little bit like learning to swim. People can tell you what it is like, you can read about it, but until you jump into the water, it is only a concept.
It is amazing how little money you can live on if you have to. But, it is stressful. |
My wife took up the financial slack by going back to the job she had before leaving the city six years previously. Not something she was intending on doing. At least we were not going to starve and had a roof over our heads. But, our disposable income plummeted precipitously which required a radical lifestyle change.
It is amazing how little money you can live on if you have to. But, it is stressful. Looking back on it, it was the most severe challenge we had gone through up until that time.
Being a man without a job, supported by my wife, and with little money, made my self-esteem dive into a dark and small space. Not fun! And my wife wasn’t enjoying the circumstances either.
We definitely got testy with each other and it was a difficult year but we somehow survived and became stronger for it. Part of the process involved creating a budget, keeping and collecting all our bills, and living on a cash basis.
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These tasks had some positive effects on the relationship. We had to communicate what, when, and where we were spending our money. We had to work together to stay within our budget. We had to get creative with how we entertained ourselves. We had to share our frustrations and support each other when feeling restricted by a lack of money.
We also had to learn to dream together and have faith that things would change (and they did). It was tough, but in the end we knew that we could survive a major challenge and be stronger for it.
If I had to do it over again I would have talked about finances early in our relationship so that we would have understood our attitudes and beliefs about money in a calm state rather than trying to figure it out while under extreme duress.
We never know what life will bring us. I have had money, lost money, made wise investments and poor ones. Money and stress seem to go hand in hand and can put a serious strain on any relationship.
Understanding your needs and wants, knowing the difference between the two, and being able to talk to your partner about money are crucial for the long-term survival of your relationship.
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Photo: CanStockPhoto
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